National Coming Out Day, celebrated annually on October 11, was started in 1988 by psychologist Robert Eichberg and political activist Jean O’Leary. Their approach for gaining more rights for the LGBTQ community was not to respond defensively to those that were anti-LGBTQ but instead to celebrate coming out. While the early years of National Coming Out Day were marked with public announcements from people revealing that they were gay or lesbian, it has become a day to raise awareness of the LGBTQ community and the fight for equal rights.

If you ask someone in the LGBTQ community when they came out, they may not be able to give you an exact date. For many, coming out is a process of telling close friends, then close family, extended family, work, etc. This was the case for me. My close friends knew, and then a broader set of friends, my team at work, and eventually my family. But there was an event that made me go public.

I previously worked at another Catholic institution managing marketing and ticketing for events at the performing arts center. In 2010, a department on campus brought in actress and comedian Lily Tomlin as a guest speaker. I received a call from the institution’s media relations office stating that we were to remove the last line of the bio Tomlin’s agent provided to us which said something like, “Tomlin lives in California with her partner, Jane, and their many cats.” This type of personal information was included in bios for athletic coaches, alumni award winners, other guest speakers, etc. To me, it seemed obvious that the issue was the mention of a same-gender partner. For the first time, I felt an anti-gay spirit at this institution and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I challenged the decision and asked if the same direction would had been given had the bio read that Tomlin lived with her husband instead. After consultation with a campus spiritual leader, I concluded that I needed to take a stand for the LGBTQ community on campus and filed a formal complaint with human resources. It resulted in the institution implementing a policy that created consistency across campus on when personal information could be included in bios.

The Lily Tomlin incident changed me. I was no longer in the shadows and private about my sexual orientation. I took to heart what former San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk once said: “Every gay person must come out. As difficult as it is, you must tell your immediate family. You must tell your relatives. You must tell your friends if indeed they are your friends. You must tell the people you work with. You must tell the people in the stores you shop in. Once they realize that we are indeed their children, that we are indeed everywhere, every myth, every lie, every innuendo will be destroyed once and all. And once you do, you will feel so much better."

Coming out never stops. While being gay does not define me, it is part of who I am. I come out every time I talk about my husband, Andrew. I come out when I talk about our current process to adopt a baby. I come out when I talk about my family. I come out when I talk about the Episcopal Church. I come out when I talk about diversity, equity, and inclusion. I come out when someone walks into my office and sees my photos and decorations. I come out because I want faculty, administration, staff, and students to know that it is okay to be openly queer in the Mendoza College of Business and at the University of Notre Dame. 

If you are looking for resources or support, please contact Christopher Hillak or Spectrum, the LGBTQ & Ally Employee Resource Group of Notre Dame.